Pain clouds all things.
It makes me angry. Which makes me hurt more.
It makes me cry. Which makes me hurt more.
It makes me obsessed. Which makes me hurt more.
It makes me cranky. Which makes everybody hurt more.
The days of no pain, feel like days of pure freedom.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
On Renos and Balance
I visited a good friend's home for the first time a few weeks ago.
My initial feeling as I pulled into their neighborhood bursting with million dollar homes was fairly unfamiliar to me. Inferior. I am not used to that. I don't like it. And it isn't because I feel that people shouldn't have more or better than I do, but I don't like that in that moment I allowed "stuff" to make me feel small. That's not who I am. I was about to have a lovely dinner with good friends, share my darling girl with them, and partake in great laughter and conversation. Fortunately, the momentary inferiority complex was fleeting and excitement and openness entered in its place. Dinner, as was the company, was lovely.
Despite the fact that I no longer felt my worth overshadowed by my friend's beautiful home, I did find myself making mental notes for future upgrades and renos to my own simple home. Again, this past weekend, overcome with excitement of recent homeownership, I felt an overwhelming urge to "make our house better. cooler. fresher. more modern".
I have to be careful. I used to live this way. And quickly following any cool and fabulous purchase, the high would wear off quickly and I would be left feeling empty and would jump to the next upgradeable item in my life. This "sugar high and crash" of a lifestyle isn't a healthy one for me, nor is it fulfilling.
This doesn't mean I don't give a crap about my surroundings. I am not nearly that evolved. And that's ok. There are some things I would like to do to our"new" home. I want to make it feel like mine. But I don't need it to reflect a page out of Canada House & Home magazine, nor is that my style. I want our home to reflect what's important to us. I want to make it a place for relaxation, conversation, music, and entertainment. Open. Bright. Airy. Comfortable. Not cookie cutter. But a home that reflects who I am. Who my family is. And yeah, that just might mean a hot tub and a fire pit in the backyard.
-jl
My initial feeling as I pulled into their neighborhood bursting with million dollar homes was fairly unfamiliar to me. Inferior. I am not used to that. I don't like it. And it isn't because I feel that people shouldn't have more or better than I do, but I don't like that in that moment I allowed "stuff" to make me feel small. That's not who I am. I was about to have a lovely dinner with good friends, share my darling girl with them, and partake in great laughter and conversation. Fortunately, the momentary inferiority complex was fleeting and excitement and openness entered in its place. Dinner, as was the company, was lovely.
Despite the fact that I no longer felt my worth overshadowed by my friend's beautiful home, I did find myself making mental notes for future upgrades and renos to my own simple home. Again, this past weekend, overcome with excitement of recent homeownership, I felt an overwhelming urge to "make our house better. cooler. fresher. more modern".
I have to be careful. I used to live this way. And quickly following any cool and fabulous purchase, the high would wear off quickly and I would be left feeling empty and would jump to the next upgradeable item in my life. This "sugar high and crash" of a lifestyle isn't a healthy one for me, nor is it fulfilling.
This doesn't mean I don't give a crap about my surroundings. I am not nearly that evolved. And that's ok. There are some things I would like to do to our"new" home. I want to make it feel like mine. But I don't need it to reflect a page out of Canada House & Home magazine, nor is that my style. I want our home to reflect what's important to us. I want to make it a place for relaxation, conversation, music, and entertainment. Open. Bright. Airy. Comfortable. Not cookie cutter. But a home that reflects who I am. Who my family is. And yeah, that just might mean a hot tub and a fire pit in the backyard.
-jl
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