On life and love....

I am not much of a mushball. I am easily scared away by overtly aggressive displays of affection toward me. It isn't that I don't like to be loved, or love, I just display affection very selectively and carefully because that feels genuine to me. When people are overly affectionate toward me, I feel smothered and I fight reciprocation quite often because one of the greatest things in like that annoy me is insincerity. For me to be openly lovey all the time would be insincere, and that isn't fair to anyone. Then I feel badly because I am human and don't want someone to be hurt. But, I can only give freely if it feels genuine.

Or perhaps it is a "need" thing. I don't want to be needed. I refuse to validate someone's flailing self-confidence. The more I feel needed, the more I retreat. I thrive and come out of my shell when I am surrounded by confident souls. I feed off that energy, and within that energy I feel giving and free. That's when I feel open.

Pregnancy scared me for this reason. How would I respond to a clingy, needy baby. Would I be a cold mother? Would I fail at providing this little being with unconditional love, snuggles, and love? On the contrary. I have never felt such love. I have never been open to such love. And while Sophie is dependent on mommy for many things, I sense this independent spirit and a life energy that is addictive and intoxicating. She loves space. Space to learn and explore. She comes to me for plenty of snuggles and kisses, but it feels more like something she is offering up to me rather than something she is taking from me. On ossasion, I feel myself trying to woo her to draw affection and energy from her. Sometimes, she pushes me away. My first reaction is to feel hurt, then I smile, knowing she is her mother's daughter. It is a beautiful thing, because when she offers me her gestures of love, I know she is feeling full, open, and genuine. That makes my heart smile.

-jl

Who am I?

I have to deliver my first toastmasters speech this week, tomorrow actually. I haven't written it yet. It is the "icebreaker" speech, which means I get 5-7 minutes to talk about myself. Only 5-7 minutes? Given my mind is filled with many ideas and slants for this speech, I imagine I could go on all day. Then why haven't I written it yet? I am a classic procrastinator. I once tried to fight this, only to give up when I realized that when I complete things early, I change my ideas last minute and redo all the work anyway. It does make for some stressful 11th hour moments, but I do my best work that way. Unfortunately, now that my life is busier, this little personality trait has me rushing to completion far too often. I am pooped! Pack the lunches? Nah, I will do it in the morning. Get my gym clothes ready? Nah, I will do it in the morning. Go to the gym now, at 9:30? Nah, I will go this afternoon...until afternoon turns into evening, and evening turns into a spare tire around my waist.....but I have gotten off topic.

Back to me.

Who am I? What parts of myself and my life do I want to share with this new group? My past? Growing up in Newfoundland? Work? Boring.... My many many interests? The fact that I fill my head with hundreds of things that peak my interest but I know or practice nothing to the point of completion because I get bored? Maybe. My beautiful little family? Perhaps. I could talk all day about Soph but that won't help my fellow toastmasters to learn much about me other than the fact that my life is run by a 32 inch blonde-haired blue-eyed dictator.

I have no idea what I will talk about....and my speech is 26 hrs away. I should probably jot some notes down this morning. Nah, I will wait until tonight. Lots of time! :)

-jl

Discombobulated....zen-style

I haven't written in a while. I have tried. I started 3 separate blog entries and either couldn't finish them, got bored of it, or just needed to write to clear my head but didn't feel like posting for public consumption. I have been, for lack of better word, discombobulated.

Work was insanely busy for the first 6 weeks back. Trying to get into a new groove with Sophie while trying to work 50hr work weeks was exhausting. Now that the work crunch has slowed, I need to find another new groove, a real groove, a sustainable groove. Perhaps there will be a new movie, "How Jennie Got Her Groove Back". Hey, if Taye Diggs is open to helping me out, who am I to turn him down!?

M has been crazy busy at work as well, which means we have struggled to get some good quality family time. I love working, but I hate that someone else gets all my Sophie-time. We are forunate that Sophie loves daycare and is learning and growing so much there. She is happy when we pick her up and those last couple of hours of the day are pure quality, or at least, we try to make it so. I am so looking forward to this weekend. It should be the first weekend in about a month that one of us hasn't had to work. We plan to take Sophie to a kiddie gym to get out all her wild toddler energy and perhaps get lots of sleep and catch up with all the goodies recorded on the PVR.

Balance. It is the eternal struggle. Work. Motherhood. Lover. Me. I need to make better use of the Jennie-time. Play a little more guitar. Watch a little less TV. Work out just a little bit more. But when I sit back and breathe a little, I realize that this is life. It is a push/pull game and at times some parts of life need more of you than others. I think I am coming into a period where I can focus a little more on me and my little family. I am lightened by that thought. I feel happy knowing that the rat race isn't always an all-out venture. It ebbs and flows. I don't plan to sit and plot out what I plan to do with my time. That structure doesn't fit me. I will do what I feel is right, what fits me, in that moment. And at the end of the day, if I play one chord too few and watch one tv show too many, I will toss that silliness aside, snuggle my beautiful girl, say "meh", and just be.

I think I just relaxed myself by writing this. Now, off to enjoy a beautiful lunch outing with a kindred spirit. My partner in sarcasm and wit. Shawny, I am on my way. Order the wine.

-jl