NaBloPoMo No Mo

NaBloPoMo

I can't do it.
Well, I CAN do it.
But I don't want to.
Posting everyday for a month? Even I'm not narcissistic enough to believe I have something to write worth reading everyday.

What this little experiment has taught me is that I really do need to write more. I enjoy it.

It has also taught me that the medium isn't as important as the act of writing itself. Scribbling my thoughts and doodling my mental busy town provides a cathartic release like none other. I am always surprised that when I sit to blog with nothing to say it is hard to shut me up. What I don't enjoy about blogging is that I find it tough to write 100% freely. I write knowing that there's a chance it will be read. And because of that, I don't always write what I need to write. When writing, I sort out the cobwebs and icky bits in my brain. I can't fully do that with an audience. Simply because I don't want to.

And so, I am going to try to keep writing for the rest of the month, but not always on this blog. Somewhere private. And I will see how that feels. I will be back. Just not daily.

If you made it to mid-november, thanks for reading and for the encouragement.

-jl

Ahhhhhh CHOO!!

Gesundheit. Healthiness, in German. Auf Deutsche.

I am longing for a house of wellness. But I would settle for a reduction in goo.

Over the past few weeks (ok, 2 months) we have been passing around colds, coughs, pink eye, snot snot and more snot. I am sick of being sick. And we are fortunate that for now, we are only dealing with colds. Other families are quarantined with H1N1. While mostly mild, H1N1 affects some people quite harshly (and scares the bejeebus out of parents), and seems to be a bit of a mystery to the medical community regarding who it will hit hard, and why. And so, because of that lack of predictability, we bit the bullet and got Soph "The Shot". GASP!

No dramatic 6 hr lines ups, no spiking fevers afterwards. In fact, it was fairly uneventful. Yet, it was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make, and I still question (and will for some time) whether it was the best decision. But as a parent, often you have to make a call with no clear winner tipping the decision scale. There were very small risks with getting the shot. And risks with not getting it. I am not someone to blindly follow the advice of the medical community, but in the end, I had to allow the advice of my doctor tip the scale.

I may as well get used to a lifetime of questioning all my decisions.

At the end of the day, it often comes down to gut. And sometimes, we will get it wrong.

-jl

Movin' my Caboose

Well, age seems to be slowing my metabolism lately, because either my dryer is shrinking all my clothes, or I am going through a horizontal growth spurt. Oy.

It was inevitable. A summer of good (read, yummy) eating and drinking had to catch up with me eventually. My lost poundage found me. Blerg.

And so, instead of whining and beating myself up, I have to up my training and reduce my intake. Garbage in, garbage out. I picked up a new treadmill as a gift to myself and as a supplement to my Greco workouts. I got up this morning in time to kick the rooster in the arse, and left it all on the treadmill while imagining my ass in my favorite jeans. This set the tone for the day so nicely that I just might do it again tomorrow. Surely I will be back to fighting weight by the end of the week? No? Bugger.

-jl

Dreaming of Dildo

Not what you think! My dreams haven't been nearly that exciting lately.

I had a dream last night that we were building a house near the ocean, overlooking it actually - in Dildo. It was very vivid and real. I was leaving for work and was going to "drop Sophie off at Mom's and Dad's place" on my way. I woke up feeling so mellow and relaxed. Not something I experience a great deal.

Lately, I have been feeling a little isolated from family. With all the illnesses in our house over the past couple of months, I have said many many times, "Geez, I wish Mom were here". I guess there's something to that old "I want my mommy" thing when we are feeling sick and overwhelmed. Sure the help would be great. And yeah we could definitely handle a night out....together. But more than that it would be nice to be able to easily connect with our loved ones, and share little Boo with them more.

Perhaps it is just the impending holiday season that is making me all mushy. Or maybe it's the drugs. Yeah, it's the drugs.

-jl

Connecting

I would apologize for not posting over the weekend, but I was busy enjoying my little Boo. So nope, no apology.

What a beautiful weekend I had. This was the first time I had more than a few hours alone with Sophie.
While I was nervous that it would be exhausting and that I would be ready to put her on ebay by the end of the weekend, it was energizing and I felt more connected to her than I ever have. It was interesting being her "go to" person. Because she is such a daddy's girl, I think it has been easy for me to almost play a back-up role when it comes to some aspects of her raising, especially on an emotional level. But this weekend, I was it. I was all she had. And while I wondered if she would feel a little lost and really miss her daddy, she really seemed to engage with me and we totally soaked each other in.

Having said all this, we were very excited to go to the airport yesterday to give daddy a surprise welcome home. He was so overwhelmed to see his little Boo...and his big Boo too.

-jl

Jennie-Day is Over....

....and it was gooooood.

To summarize:

Sleep, exercise, shopping, coffee & lunch with a dear friend, errands (booo), snuggle time with little Boo, WINE!

It was a good day.

-jll

A Day of One's Own

I am taking a me day.

I don't know how deserved it is, but I do know how needed it is.

The past couple of weeks have been exhausting. Colds galore in the house. Pink eye. Sleepless nights. Crankiness (mostly me). So tomorrow I declare "Jennie Day". I have no idea how I plan to celebrate it. I don't want to think about it too much because something might keep it from happening and I don't want to spiral in despair from disappointment.

Little Boo and I will be having a girls' weekend. I need to gear up for that. Lots of goldfish crackers - for her. Wine - for mommy. I also need rest. Rest to prep for 2 days alone with a 2 year old who's wild and wrangy. By the time hubby gets back on Sunday, Boo and I might have each other's hair pulled out. But first, there's tomorrow. Sweet sweet Jennie Day.

-jl

The No Post Post

I have nothing to say. Well, that probably isn't true, but I have nothing to say that I want to articulate tonight. So I won't.

Does this count as a post. Probably not. Meh.

-jl

The Sobering of Death

My Hubby lost a friend today. Or rather, the dad of a dear friend. A man who felt like part of his chosen family growing up.

Neither of us feels very emotionally equipped at dealing with death. It isn't something I talk about easily. He feels like he has had minimal practice lately. That's not a bad thing. But we are talking about it. And celebrating his friend's dad's life with a glass of fine scotch....reserved for special occasions. Hubby is off to his hometown this weekend to be there for the funeral, to support his good friend. He feels good about the decision to go, though I am sure the easier thing to do (short term) is to stay here and send condolences from afar. I sense a real peace with this decision. I am happy to be able to support him and glad he will be able to get a couple of days away from the day-to-day busyness of fatherhood in order to free his mind and his soul to grieve and remember.

-jl

Are You Real?

I don't mean "real" as in pinocchio's "I am a a real boy!".

Do you feel that the You you present to the world is really you, or a persona of you? Someone who you would rather project than the You you feel inside?

We all have our days of projecting an image we would like the world to believe we are. More confident. Happier. Funnier. Cooler. More worldly. I call those the "dress for the job you want not the job you have" type of days. It is when that persona-wearing becomes a part of our everyday MO that it gets exhausting.

I like to step back every now and then to make sure that my persona-wearing days are few. I like to think that I am pretty good at being who I am, rather than trying to convince you I am who I would like to be. Some days are better than others. Some days feel purely authentic. Other days I send a persona out into the universe and I keep the real me home in a jar.

How are you doing today? Are you You? Or the persona you send out on days when you are just too tired to be You?

Did I just bend your brain a little? Good. Mine too.

-jl

A Test of Discipline

It is NaBloPoMo. Give it up for NaBloPoMo!

What does that mean? It means this delinquent chick is taking the challenge to post everyday....for a month. Given I don't even have 30 posts on this blog, I am not expecting to succeed, but it will be a lovely surprise if I make it. And what I am hoping it will do is get me to the table. Because once the intent to write is there, the words take care of themselves.

I will try to write...even when I have nothing to say. Because sometimes, that's when I have my best moments.

And yes, this counts as blog #1.

ARGHHHHHHH!!!

ARGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
* beats head against wall
ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!

A Butterfly of the Social Sort

I am used to being a social butterfly. I love to plan gatherings, go out after work for beer with co-workers, cook big meals for a "slew" of people....

Divorce made me retreat. Like a turtle in a shell. I felt the need to leave shared friends for my ex-husband. I also felt slightly reclusive, as though I needed to hide out for a while. To rediscover who I was. Who I could trust. Who wouldn't judge me. Then I had a baby. This flipped my world on its arse again. Being off on maternity leave for a year, while lovely for the relationship with my girl, left me feeling "out of sync" with work friends. I didn't connect that well with stay-at-home moms either, so I felt quite lost.

Now, I feel like I am back in my groove. My friends are a mixed bag. Work, old, new, virtual....
It feels good. I feel like Jennie again. The same, only different.

-jl

Must Write....

.....Soon.

I promise that I will write this weekend.

I blame nothing. Lazyarse.

But I have many things to write. And time to do it.

But first, sleepies.

-JL

Pain....again. Still.

Pain clouds all things.

It makes me angry. Which makes me hurt more.

It makes me cry. Which makes me hurt more.

It makes me obsessed. Which makes me hurt more.

It makes me cranky. Which makes everybody hurt more.

The days of no pain, feel like days of pure freedom.

On Renos and Balance

I visited a good friend's home for the first time a few weeks ago.
My initial feeling as I pulled into their neighborhood bursting with million dollar homes was fairly unfamiliar to me. Inferior. I am not used to that. I don't like it. And it isn't because I feel that people shouldn't have more or better than I do, but I don't like that in that moment I allowed "stuff" to make me feel small. That's not who I am. I was about to have a lovely dinner with good friends, share my darling girl with them, and partake in great laughter and conversation. Fortunately, the momentary inferiority complex was fleeting and excitement and openness entered in its place. Dinner, as was the company, was lovely.

Despite the fact that I no longer felt my worth overshadowed by my friend's beautiful home, I did find myself making mental notes for future upgrades and renos to my own simple home. Again, this past weekend, overcome with excitement of recent homeownership, I felt an overwhelming urge to "make our house better. cooler. fresher. more modern".

I have to be careful. I used to live this way. And quickly following any cool and fabulous purchase, the high would wear off quickly and I would be left feeling empty and would jump to the next upgradeable item in my life. This "sugar high and crash" of a lifestyle isn't a healthy one for me, nor is it fulfilling.

This doesn't mean I don't give a crap about my surroundings. I am not nearly that evolved. And that's ok. There are some things I would like to do to our"new" home. I want to make it feel like mine. But I don't need it to reflect a page out of Canada House & Home magazine, nor is that my style. I want our home to reflect what's important to us. I want to make it a place for relaxation, conversation, music, and entertainment. Open. Bright. Airy. Comfortable. Not cookie cutter. But a home that reflects who I am. Who my family is. And yeah, that just might mean a hot tub and a fire pit in the backyard.

-jl

Small Town Vibe

I love our neighborhood. Love love love it.
Hard to believe that a year ago I was convinced I would never want to buy a house in the "country" and put down roots in a small town. But life has a way of leading to you to things you never knew you wanted in the first place.

I get to run by the cows at night. "Hello ladies".
I get to drink wine on my front porch and enjoy pure nothingness.
I have neighbors. Real neighbors. Neighbors who help you do crazy things like pull up your front "lawn" and put down sod.
Sophie gets lots of little friends and a quiet street to run wildly into with mama hot on her tail.
I get space. Personal space. Outside. For perhaps a hot tub and a fire pit.

Now, if only a coffee shop would open in my neighborhood. Until then, I will stick to perfecting my own brew.

Happy One Month Anniversary

Well, Vegas was everything Vegas should be. Bright, loud, over-the-top, plastic, hot, brown, grey, and best of all, fun!

We had a blast. The wedding was what weddings should be. Relaxing, sweet, romantic, fun, officiated by Elvis.....wait! WHAT? That's right. The best part, was that through the power of technology, our friends and family were able to watch us in real time! Very very cool.

3 cheers for elopements. And a happy one month anniversary to my fantabulous husband. I am so happy you uttered these words to me last month, "What would you say if I told you we are going to Vegas next weekend to get married?". Honey, you rock!

-jl

Calm

I don't stop much. Not enough.

But tonight, I am sitting on my front porch, with a warm humid breeze blowing my hair out of its ridiculously tiny ponytail, drinking a nice glass of wine, watching the neighbors water their flowers and shrubs, watching the dogs enjoy the respite from the hot day, admiring the purply hue peaking through the clouds as the sun goes down, and playing online scrabble with some dear friends.

And I feel. calm.

I feel rested. And well. And blessed to live in such a beautiful neighborhood.

-jl

Vegas Baby!!

We are doing it. Gettin' hitched. And we are doing it up crazy-style! Vegas baby!! Practical, non-adventurous Me!?

4 days ago, darling M says "What would you say if I said we were going to Vegas next weekend and we get married?". After I picked my jaw up off the ground I replied "What would you say if I told you I no longer have a valid passport?" Gulp. 

But, that was just a minor hurdle. One that we "easily" cleared. Apparently, if you pay an extra $30, Passport Canada will get you a passport 3x as fast as they will if you only pay a measly $87.

So in 4 days, we board a plane (or 3) to Vegas. I can barely handle the excitement. I can't even focus enough to write this post. There's a lot left to do, but we are having fun prepping for it. Got the dress, shoes, accessories, swimsuit. Tickets and hotel are booked. Elvis chapel is booked (YEAH BABY!). I still need to get my hair done, finish off 10 lists, grocery shop for Sophie and the wonderful friends and family who are making this possible, and try to finish a week of work. 

Here's a cool thing. Our wedding will be broadcast live over the internet Saturday! And available for viewing for the following 90 days. Gotta love technology.

Ok, I can see how all over the place I am tonight. So I am going to quit and go to bed.

4 sleeps and counting!!!

-jl

It's a Life Thing

I have been delinquent.

I haven't posted in over 2 weeks. Not only that, I haven't been totally kind to my body. I feel undernourished, so I need to work on that. I won't blame it on life's distractions and roadblocks. That would be unfair. Nor, will I blame myself. It isn't a blame thing, it's a life thing. It just is. Sometimes, we fall off the rails a little. It is good to do on occasion, because it reminds us of how good it feels to get back in control and live life well.

So, my aim for this week is to live life well. To take a few moments to step back from the craziness and breathe. To get some fresh air and move my body. To fuel my physical self in a way that gives me energy to enjoy these things. Not a big commitment, but a commitment nonetheless. That's ok. I am worth it.

-jl

'Appy Nuddah's Day!

I feel blessed.

I love my little family, and completely enjoyed soaking them up today. I even got a "Lub You!" and a "Appy Nuddah's Day!" from Sophie! Add to that a lovely healthy breakfast and a beautiful steak dinner BBQ'd to perfection, a couple of bright hanging baskets for the front porch, and I feel like a pretty lucky mama.

It's a hectic life, but it's a good life.

-jl

Hurts So Good

Evidentally, getting rid of pain is painful.

I had my first appt with Duane yesterday, aka, my new hero.

2 minutes into my conversation with him, I had a good feeling he would be able to help me. He didn't seem surprised by my pain pattern, in fact, he seemed downright optimistic that there are things he can do to help me. And so, we got right to it.



Quel Suprise!! My shoulders are rounded forward, the front of my neck is terribly tight, my upper vertibrae don't move well....at all. And the best part? I am apparently turning into a winged creature on my right side. Something about a winged shoulder blade. Flying might come in handy if gas prices spike again, so I am reluctant to "fix" this. It is also possible that I am evolving into some type of mixed beast. Half bird, half woman. Birdwoman! I need to work on the name and the outfit....

But anyway...

Treatment, while seemingly gentle, is painful. Active Release Technique (http://www.activerelease.com/) is a soft tisggue manipulation. It isn't pleasant to have someone jam their fingers deep into your armpit while stretching your arm over your head. Kinda feels like a hot poker. Nice. The chiropractic work that Duane did, cracking my neck and putting my rib back in its place, sounded rotten but felt quite good. I left the appointment feeling taller and more "open". I also nearly vomited when I got back to work. I don't think my body is used to having this much free-moving oxygen and blood flowing through it.

And now, 5 days after the first appt, I have only had 4 "attacks" of the jaw pain, and none of them were bad enough to make me cry. I consider this an incredible success. I know the journey to wellness is going to take some time, but I am incredibly excited that things are looking up. I have 2 more appointments with his this week, to keep the momentum going. The world looks different without pain. Almost shinier.

-jl

Pain

We all cope differently with pain, and it affects us all in different ways.
Me? I start to mentally shut down and withdraw.

I have been suffering ever-increasing pain from my shoulder blade to my jaw, and all points in between for the past few months. The last month it has gone from bad, to worse, to mind-altering. When spasms hit me, I can barely function. Fortunately, they respond to advil. Unfortunately, I have hit my advil limit unless I don't mind losing my stomach lining. It's a toss-up. Given I am up to having about 10-15 of these "attacks" a day, it is time to stop expecting massage therapy to help and try some other options. And so, after years of claiming I would never try chiropractic, I am off to see a guy next week who comes highly recommended by many people, practices Active Release Therapy, and oh yeah, does chiropractic. When I pull my shoulder blade back, something clicks in my rib cage, so it is possible I have a rib that is slipping. I dream at night of someone popping that rib back in, and life being good again.

And so, I plan to chronicle my treatment here. It is just another way of me coping with the pain. Although, my addiction to my laptop just may be part of my issue.

Renewel

Spring! (Not that kind)

Everyone notices it. Everyone comments on it.
The lifeforce that seems to have erupted from the depths of dark, cold, and grey over the past week. Spring.

I feel rejuvenated. Like I am emerging from a long, tiring journey. The heat on my skin makes me shiver, ironically. The glimpses of brown grass beginning to erupt into a sea of vibrant green. My pale skin starts to glow and come alive with the promise of vitamin D and fresh air. My energy force seems to be plugged back in, after several months of being on reserve power. I tingle with the anticipation of setting my feet free of the shackles of fabulous yet suffocating boots. Of adorning my toes with bright shades of polish. Dressing them up for no reason other than to celebrate their freedom.

Ahhhhh.

And the best of all? The absolute bliss of enjoying energizing conversation and banter with good friends, over a pint of cold ale on a bustling patio.

Bring it on.

I raise my glass to SPRING!

-jl

A Post about Nothing in Particular

I haven't written in a month. Well, that's not entirely true. I wrote a speech for Toastmasters this past week, and it is what pushed me to visit my blog.
I love to write. I love to ponder while the words flow from my mind, to my fingertips. I love to see what form they will take on the screen, figure out of they make sense.

And, so what if they don't? Make sense that is? Who cares? I don't.

I don't have anything really to write about today. Nothing in particular. I just wanted to write. Something.

Here's something. I am nurturing relationships with female friends today. I need to. I want to! This is very good for me. I don't spend a lot of time with women. I just don't connect well with them. I tend to enjoy fostering relationships with the more masculine sex. But lately, I have met a few real cool chiquitas. Women who walk with their heads high. Women who aren't afraid to be funny. Women who, despite their own demons, seem to truly believe they are important. That they are worth the space they occupy and the air they breathe. They are sassy and vibrant, even on their dark days. I love it. I don't feel drained when we sit and connect. I feel energized. I feel inspired. I don't feel like I need to manage my words so as not to offend. I don't feel like I need to coddle a deep-rooted lack of self confidence. My soul has been longing for these kind of additions to my life.

I feel truly fortunate that the universe has placed these women on my path. There's nothing like meeting kindred spirits to help you realize how connected we are with the world when we plug in, and are open to the energy that flows around us.

-jl

Bite me Cupid

I don't do V-Day.

As a single person, I didn't care for V-Day.

As a person with a spousal unit, I still don't care for V-Day.

People talk of V-day as a love day. Are you freakin' kidding me? It's obligation, guilt, and depression day, depending on your situation.

Restaurants are overcrowded and it bites for the servers who have to suffer through a see of endless 2-person tables. What a boring atmosphere! Poor men wander aimlessly through aisles of mushy cheesy hallmark cards and cheap chocolates, or worse again expensive jewelery because they will end up in the dog house and sexless if they come home empty-handed or with a bag of lacy lingerie (the item they really want to shop for). Women compare what they received to what their friends got. Didn't get diamonds? Poor you, guess you aren't loved as much.

And what do single people get out of it!?

Whatever. So cupid, you chunky little shit disturber, to you I raise my glass of wine (that I bought myself) and shout an enthusiastic "BITE ME!".

-jl

Unsolicited Change

At times, change is hard. Change is especially hard when it is forced upon you. Life throws that at us on occasion. Those are generally external changes that you either adapt to, or well, be miserable.

But what about internal change that happens without you actively and consciously prompting it? When things that used to satisfy you no longer seem to fit? Or when you evolve and grow without trying to change? For me, I think these shifts are necessary. And while I don't resist them, they definitely have an impact and leave me questioning. Why am I changing?

I have recently found myself feeling a bit lost. For example, two pasttimes that used to bring me some level of joy and entertainment, have left me feeling ...... bored. And tired. Shopping and TV.

Retail therapy used to be my thing. Frustrated? Shop. Feeling fat? Shop! Happy? Shop!! Now? Notsomuch. When I head out now to shop for things I don't need, I end up feeling ticked off at the waste of precious time and angry at myself for spending money on things I never knew I even wanted. Worst than that (or perhaps better than that), I usually come home completely empty handed after having come to my senses an hour after hitting the mall.

TV used to be my "go to" thing in the evening. I would race to sit my ass on the couch to fit in as many shows as I could before bedtime. Then I would bitch all week about having no time to play guitar, work on photography, paint my toes, etc. I have reached the point where at the end of a long evening of TV watching, I am mad at myself for having lost hours passively sitting instead of taking some of the time for quality.

Why now? Why do these things no longer feed me? The obvious answer is Time. Or lack thereof. Working a demanding full-time job with increasing responsibility and being a mom to a wild and wooley 17 month old leaves me with very little me time. I want to spend that time wisely.

I think that there's another reason. I am more than a mom. I am more than my career. Without taking time outside those two parts of my life to nurture "Jennie" I feel a little lost. I feel like I am living a robotic life. Get up (early!) be a mom. Go to work, be a career person. Come home, be a mom. Sit ass on couch, be a...? Be a what? I need something else.

And so, I have started working on adding some substance to my Jennie-time. I may not be able to add quantity to my time, but I can add quality.

-jl

25 things I didn't know....

Tonight, I am reading lists. Not my lists. Lists from friends. Some old, some new. Lists of little things I didn't know. Little peaks inside their private selves. Deepness and revelations I didn't see coming.

Here's to embracing the unknown unknowns.

-jl

Breaking Down Mental Roadblocks

There comes a point when you just can't deny that something is not quite right. That something you are doing or thinking is not only counter-productive, but mentally draining and useless. A complete waste of precious time and mental energy. I need to step back from some daily patterns and behaviors and try to alter them. It's easier said than done. I have a slight quirk that makes some patterns obsessive, yet I can barely focus on other things. I have been doing some research into this over the years because I have struggled for a long time with issues with attention span and focus. While I am not a fan of labels, I can't help but wonder if I fit somewhere on the adult ADD scale. Maybe. I have lost interest in this post.

-jl

Sweet Sounds

Sometimes, if you stop and listen, you will hear the most amazing sounds.
I don't stop enough. I definitely don't listen enough. I hear plenty, but I listen too little.

When I do listen, here's what hits me...

A purring cat calms me instantly. Especially Rascal cat. Her purr is loud and boisterous, no holding back. Full of love. Sometimes it says "You rubbed my belly!! I LOVE YOU!". Other times, the purr is a happy acknowledgement that you said good morning to her. Bailey purrs are also lovely, but with his massive coat and loud meowing, the purrs often get muffled.

Sophie's voice, when not screaming, so soft and sweet, is the prettiest thing I have ever heard. To hear her say "On koh" (encore) after I have read Alligator Pie for the 20th time in a row, makes reading it the 21st time a pleasure. Listening to her "come to life" in the morning as she wakes, with all the soft cooing and sleepy moans, makes it hard not to jet into her room and scoop her up out of her crib.

One of the sweetest sounds of all, is hearing the man I love, all big and bold, softly speak beautiful words of complete adoration to my lovely little girl. His affection for her is bigger than he is, and her big blue eyes gaze back at him in complete reciprocation.

-jl

TGIF!

Things I am excited about this weekend:

• That nice pot of slow cooker beef stew I made last night
• 2 days of laughter and snuggles with Sophie
• Wii!
• Exercise
• A hard massage tomorrow with my favorite buxom blonde therapist
• Rock Band!
• Wine! Wine has been reserved for weekends now and I an enjoying planning a new bottle to try to indulge
• Snuggling in the basement by the fire watching movies or PVR shows
• Relaxation

Enjoy your weekend!

-jl

Pajamas in the Daytime?

This will be a quick blog. It is a public service announcement.
I love pajamas. Even cartoony fleecy printed pj pants.
But I beg of you. If you are above the age of 3, please stop wearing your pj pants in public!!
You don't need to be a fashion plate, but looking like you give a crap about yourself might just make you feel like a little less of a slob. It takes 30 seconds to take off your pajamas and put on something else. Even yoga pants are a huge improvement. Almost red carpet-ready compared to pajama pants. Plus, it's winter in Ottawa! Those pink puppy pajama pants aren't going to keep you warm in -30 temps. That's what I saw a 40+ woman wearing this week. Not cool.

I know this sounds bitchy and I should just look away, but I can't. It needed to be said ;-)

There. I feel better now.

-jl

Reflecting and Resolving?

I don't really do the whole New Years resolution thing. Too much pressure. Or perhaps it is because I like to buck the trend. Having said that, I do need to make a couple of changes to feel healthier and more balanced. This is less of a resolution and more of a necessity now that I have been back to work for 4 months and getting the hang of this working mom thing.

Some background....

2008 was quite a year. We started the year with a move. New digs in the country. That took some getting used to. On the plus, after 4 months of maternity leave, I was finally used to not working and the whole motherhood thing. It took that long for me to shut my work-jennie mode down. Once I adjusted to that, I got into a good groove on the homefront. Sophie and I had a routine, I had access to healthy food 24/7, and I had a supportive partner that allowed me a chance to focus on my workouts. I hated feeling the loss of muscle from pregnancy, even though I had worked out hard until I was 7 months pregnant. I couldn't imagine carrying around that 20lbs that didn't fall off in the first 4 months post-partum. I felt uncomfortable, stiff, weak, and just completely unfit. So, I lavished attention on Jennie. And Jennie liked it. Within a few months I started to feel like a strong woman again. And not just physically! Mentally, I started to feel more like my old self. Perhaps even better because I felt more grounded and balanced. Of course, I suck at living in the moment, so as spring turned into summer I started mentally revving up for a return to work. I no longer was content being a stay at home mom, and while I knew it would be tough to juggle, I was looking forward to using my brain again. The last 4 months of 2008 were exhausting. Daycare, busy work projects, illnesses, a dust-collecting house, financial and real estate explorations....Christmas vacation was necessary to keep from having a nervous breakdown. I lost a connection to Jennie during those last 4 months of 2008. I gained back 5 lbs, not a big deal but I don't feel centered and grounded when I don't treat myself well. I spent a lot of time angry and frustrated and my fuse got shorter and shorter as 2008 wound down.

Now, here we are in 2009. After 2 weeks of spending a quiet christmas with my lovely little family, sleeping 8 hrs a night, exercising regularly, cooking, spending time with friends, I finally relaxed and allowed myself to breathe. Of course, I can't stay on vacation. Which is why last night, I tossed and turned and got up at 5 this morning due to an inability to let go and give myself permission to sleep.

I have to do better. For me, my family, and my job.

And so, I will take some baby steps to do better. I am confident that now that the working mother thing isn't new to me, I will learn how to prioritize better to allow myself some breathing room. I also need to use my "downtime" more constructively. We have started to do that. We now workout together in the basement in the evening. It gives us some quality time together, and we are each other's cheerleader. I will also take the help offered with meal planning and preperation. It is important for me that we lead a healthy life on the nutrition and physical fitness front, so I will make that a priority over less value-added rituals like 2-3 hrs of TV a night. That's not to say we plan to throw the TV out in the snowbank. We need our brainless activities on occasion. Balance is the goal. Not perfection. But with a little planning, and a lot of teamwork, I am confident that we can back to balanced. Just as it took me 4 months to get used to being at home fulltime with Sophie, perhaps 4 months is the time required to adjust to giving that up.

To a healthy, and balanced '09.

-jl

Communicating - Toddler Style

Our Sophie is quite chatty these days.
This was the conversation I overheard yesterday between her and Bailey, whiney cat extraordinaire.

Bailey: "Rarrrrrr!" (meaning, "I want kibble")
Sophie: "meooowww"
Bailey: "Rarrrrrr!!" (meaning, "Why are you mocking me!?")
Sophie: "meooowww"
Bailey: "RARRRRRRRR!!" (meaning, "MOM!!! She's making fun of me!! I am going to go poop on the carpet soon!")
Sophie: "woof!"

Sophie's language skills are developing at an amazing rate. Everyday lately, there's a new word. "meow", "woof", "Oh wow!", "uh oh", "NO", "No daddy!" These are some of the words she picked up over christmas. And "no no no no no no" aside, I could listen to her babble all day. She has the sweetest voice ever....except when she is screaming in frustration.

Frustration is the flipside to her increasing toddler-ness. While she is learning a lot of words, she is far from being able to communicate everything she wants. And since I was too lazy to teach her sign language (who knew that just buying the book wasn't enough?!") she throws a lot of tantrums when she wants something and we don't understand. For example, I had all the christmas "Kickees" (cookies) in a clear tupperware container with a blue lid. Apparently, Sophie memorized that container. The other night I put dinner leftovers in the container and before I could get it in the fridge, Sophie saw it on the counter and came running, hands reaching for the countertop and a very insistant "Ahhhhhh!! Ahhhhh!! Ehhhhhhh!!!!!" loudly escaping her voicebox. I didn't know what she wanted! I offered her everything under the sun. "Juice?" "Cracker?" "Francois the frog?". All those items were angrily thrown across the room and she started beating on my legs in frustration. Finally it dawned on me!! "COOKIE!?" Well, her eyes lit up and she flashed me a megawatt smile. "Kick-keeeeeeee!" After fetching a cookie from the freezer, defrosting it in the microwave for 9 very looooong seconds, I made Sophie a happy little toddler. Cookies make everything better. Just wait until she learns about bacon.

-jl