Unsolicited Change

At times, change is hard. Change is especially hard when it is forced upon you. Life throws that at us on occasion. Those are generally external changes that you either adapt to, or well, be miserable.

But what about internal change that happens without you actively and consciously prompting it? When things that used to satisfy you no longer seem to fit? Or when you evolve and grow without trying to change? For me, I think these shifts are necessary. And while I don't resist them, they definitely have an impact and leave me questioning. Why am I changing?

I have recently found myself feeling a bit lost. For example, two pasttimes that used to bring me some level of joy and entertainment, have left me feeling ...... bored. And tired. Shopping and TV.

Retail therapy used to be my thing. Frustrated? Shop. Feeling fat? Shop! Happy? Shop!! Now? Notsomuch. When I head out now to shop for things I don't need, I end up feeling ticked off at the waste of precious time and angry at myself for spending money on things I never knew I even wanted. Worst than that (or perhaps better than that), I usually come home completely empty handed after having come to my senses an hour after hitting the mall.

TV used to be my "go to" thing in the evening. I would race to sit my ass on the couch to fit in as many shows as I could before bedtime. Then I would bitch all week about having no time to play guitar, work on photography, paint my toes, etc. I have reached the point where at the end of a long evening of TV watching, I am mad at myself for having lost hours passively sitting instead of taking some of the time for quality.

Why now? Why do these things no longer feed me? The obvious answer is Time. Or lack thereof. Working a demanding full-time job with increasing responsibility and being a mom to a wild and wooley 17 month old leaves me with very little me time. I want to spend that time wisely.

I think that there's another reason. I am more than a mom. I am more than my career. Without taking time outside those two parts of my life to nurture "Jennie" I feel a little lost. I feel like I am living a robotic life. Get up (early!) be a mom. Go to work, be a career person. Come home, be a mom. Sit ass on couch, be a...? Be a what? I need something else.

And so, I have started working on adding some substance to my Jennie-time. I may not be able to add quantity to my time, but I can add quality.

-jl