Reflecting and Resolving?

I don't really do the whole New Years resolution thing. Too much pressure. Or perhaps it is because I like to buck the trend. Having said that, I do need to make a couple of changes to feel healthier and more balanced. This is less of a resolution and more of a necessity now that I have been back to work for 4 months and getting the hang of this working mom thing.

Some background....

2008 was quite a year. We started the year with a move. New digs in the country. That took some getting used to. On the plus, after 4 months of maternity leave, I was finally used to not working and the whole motherhood thing. It took that long for me to shut my work-jennie mode down. Once I adjusted to that, I got into a good groove on the homefront. Sophie and I had a routine, I had access to healthy food 24/7, and I had a supportive partner that allowed me a chance to focus on my workouts. I hated feeling the loss of muscle from pregnancy, even though I had worked out hard until I was 7 months pregnant. I couldn't imagine carrying around that 20lbs that didn't fall off in the first 4 months post-partum. I felt uncomfortable, stiff, weak, and just completely unfit. So, I lavished attention on Jennie. And Jennie liked it. Within a few months I started to feel like a strong woman again. And not just physically! Mentally, I started to feel more like my old self. Perhaps even better because I felt more grounded and balanced. Of course, I suck at living in the moment, so as spring turned into summer I started mentally revving up for a return to work. I no longer was content being a stay at home mom, and while I knew it would be tough to juggle, I was looking forward to using my brain again. The last 4 months of 2008 were exhausting. Daycare, busy work projects, illnesses, a dust-collecting house, financial and real estate explorations....Christmas vacation was necessary to keep from having a nervous breakdown. I lost a connection to Jennie during those last 4 months of 2008. I gained back 5 lbs, not a big deal but I don't feel centered and grounded when I don't treat myself well. I spent a lot of time angry and frustrated and my fuse got shorter and shorter as 2008 wound down.

Now, here we are in 2009. After 2 weeks of spending a quiet christmas with my lovely little family, sleeping 8 hrs a night, exercising regularly, cooking, spending time with friends, I finally relaxed and allowed myself to breathe. Of course, I can't stay on vacation. Which is why last night, I tossed and turned and got up at 5 this morning due to an inability to let go and give myself permission to sleep.

I have to do better. For me, my family, and my job.

And so, I will take some baby steps to do better. I am confident that now that the working mother thing isn't new to me, I will learn how to prioritize better to allow myself some breathing room. I also need to use my "downtime" more constructively. We have started to do that. We now workout together in the basement in the evening. It gives us some quality time together, and we are each other's cheerleader. I will also take the help offered with meal planning and preperation. It is important for me that we lead a healthy life on the nutrition and physical fitness front, so I will make that a priority over less value-added rituals like 2-3 hrs of TV a night. That's not to say we plan to throw the TV out in the snowbank. We need our brainless activities on occasion. Balance is the goal. Not perfection. But with a little planning, and a lot of teamwork, I am confident that we can back to balanced. Just as it took me 4 months to get used to being at home fulltime with Sophie, perhaps 4 months is the time required to adjust to giving that up.

To a healthy, and balanced '09.

-jl