On life and love....

I am not much of a mushball. I am easily scared away by overtly aggressive displays of affection toward me. It isn't that I don't like to be loved, or love, I just display affection very selectively and carefully because that feels genuine to me. When people are overly affectionate toward me, I feel smothered and I fight reciprocation quite often because one of the greatest things in like that annoy me is insincerity. For me to be openly lovey all the time would be insincere, and that isn't fair to anyone. Then I feel badly because I am human and don't want someone to be hurt. But, I can only give freely if it feels genuine.

Or perhaps it is a "need" thing. I don't want to be needed. I refuse to validate someone's flailing self-confidence. The more I feel needed, the more I retreat. I thrive and come out of my shell when I am surrounded by confident souls. I feed off that energy, and within that energy I feel giving and free. That's when I feel open.

Pregnancy scared me for this reason. How would I respond to a clingy, needy baby. Would I be a cold mother? Would I fail at providing this little being with unconditional love, snuggles, and love? On the contrary. I have never felt such love. I have never been open to such love. And while Sophie is dependent on mommy for many things, I sense this independent spirit and a life energy that is addictive and intoxicating. She loves space. Space to learn and explore. She comes to me for plenty of snuggles and kisses, but it feels more like something she is offering up to me rather than something she is taking from me. On ossasion, I feel myself trying to woo her to draw affection and energy from her. Sometimes, she pushes me away. My first reaction is to feel hurt, then I smile, knowing she is her mother's daughter. It is a beautiful thing, because when she offers me her gestures of love, I know she is feeling full, open, and genuine. That makes my heart smile.

-jl